When asked to write a Catholic book on loneliness in 2016, I found that social scientists were predicting a worldwide “epidemic of loneliness” — years before anyone ever heard of COVID-19 and the masking, social distancing and isolation that would follow in its wake. A host of studies from various universities to the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) documented that more than one-third of Americans reported significant feelings of ongoing loneliness.

Loneliness itself was defined as a “perceived isolation,” a discrepancy between the connectedness one desires to share with others and the connectedness one believes one actually has. Some researchers distinguished between a broader type of “social isolation” and a narrower type of “emotional isolation.”

In perceived social isolation, a person may have one or more intimate relationships or close friendships but feel out of touch in larger group settings, such as members of a loving family who suddenly relocate across the nation and may feel this broader kind of loneliness as they adjust to a new school, workplace and parish.

Emotional isolation refers to the loneliness that comes from the lack of or loss of close, intimate connections, like, for example, a socially well-adjusted woman who has just lost her loving spouse of many decades.

Bowling Alone

A landmark study documenting the looming crisis of social isolation and loneliness in the year 2000 was Robert Putnam’s “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community” (Simon and Schuster, $21). It documented significant declines in America during the 20th century in participation in a vast array of human social connectedness, including political parties, civic groups, workplace and informal associations, church affiliation and more. His catchy title pointed to one real finding among thousands, that more people really were bowling alone than in organized leagues, and even some people still bowling in leagues might as well have been “bowling alone,” as they watched big-screen TVs between their turns instead of socializing!

Indeed, while analyzing a wide variety of possible causes of declines in social connections, excessive TV watching, in general, was the greatest predictor of increasing social isolation. And most interestingly, when writing this book over 20 years ago now, Putnam said we should keep our eyes on the potential impact of an even newer, potentially more isolating invention, that of the internet.

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PRACTICAL ADVICE

Here’s one bit of practical advice that priests might do well to apply to people in their parish (though I know many do so already!). It was said of Blessed Pier Giorgio, that exceptionally, vibrant, handsome and wealthy young man, that whenever he encountered a group full of people he would first look for someone who seemed despondent or lonely and then zoom in upon them to share Christ’s love in lively banter.

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Landmark Study

A landmark study on more personal, emotional isolation came out from the University of Chicago a few years later in 2006. The authors were well aware of the growing social isolation in America but assumed that intimate relationships remained fairly stable. In the researcher’s own words, “We were clearly wrong.”

They surveyed approximately 1,500 adults in 1984 and repeated the surveys nearly 20 years later in 2004. They asked respondents about their personal confidants, the people they could turn to and confide in about important matters in their lives. Among the most striking of a host of alarming changes, while in 1984 one person out of 10 reported they had no close confidants, by 2004, one person out of four said they had no close confidants. Also reviewed was information on the nature of the relationships of the confidants — family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. — and almost every category showed some degree of decline. An increase was found among people who confided only in family members (57% to 80%). Clearly, the times were a-changin’ to the detriment of intimate personal relationships outside of one’s own family.

And what about now? Do a quick internet search on loneliness in 2022 and you will see many links to studies showing it has been increasing for people of all ages since the pandemic began in 2020. Truly then, if you are lonely, you are not alone.

But what is a priest to do to provide solace to his lonely parishioners, or even to himself? Indeed, within a week of my writing these words Pope Francis acknowledged loneliness within the priesthood itself when addressing a symposium on priesthood at the Vatican Feb. 17, 2022: “The drama of loneliness, of the feeling of being alone, is consuming many presbyteries.”

Modern psychological research has shown that interventions including finding support groups or providing social skills training to the lonely have shown some success. But the most successful methods zoom in on what is called “maladaptive social thinking.”

Being lonely for a long time tends to distort people’s thinking processes. The chronically lonely often come to expect to remain lonely indefinitely, to be ignored or rejected by others, and to selectively remember times when they were rejected or lonely.

Through self-help cognitive therapy materials, or through counseling in more difficult cases, the lonely can learn to alter their expectations, to better handle rejection when it actually comes, to better cope with loneliness while it lasts and to be more willing to reach out to others.

Modern cognitive psychotherapy seeks to help people with any kind of emotional distress, including loneliness, to bring their emotions and behavior in line with reason.

An interest in the psychological power of practicing virtues has also reemerged in recent decades, and this is a subject the Church has known well for millennia. St. Thomas Aquinas wrote extensively in the 13th century about how virtues enable us to bring our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in line with right reasoning. Virtues of particular relevance to the lonely include the fortitude that allows them to endure the suffering of loneliness while it lasts, and also to make efforts to try to overcome it despite fears that their efforts might fail.

Solace from the Saints

The Church can also provide solace to the lonely with its multitude of examples of saintly men and women who have embraced periods of forced or chosen solitude to grow closer to God and then to provide great benefits to their fellow man — for example, St. Patrick, who was stolen from his native land and enslaved for seven years; St. Thomas More, who wrote great works of solace to others while imprisoned in the Tower of London; and Catherine of Siena and John of Ávila who virtually sequestered themselves in their own rooms for years only to burst forth with great service to the Church. They teach us how to be alone without feeling lonely by coming to know more intimately that God is always with us.

The great tradition of spiritual friendship, addressed by the likes of the medieval Cistercian St. Aelred of Rievaulx, also reveals the crucial difference that even one spiritual friend can make in lightening burdens. We should note this well when we consider that one in four Americans may lack even one close confidant of any kind. Might we become that confidant, the spiritual friend to a lonely person, the one friend that might make all the difference? We should remember too, as St. Aelred wrote in his “Spiritual Friendship” (Cistercian Publications, $19.95) when meeting with a friend, “Here we are, you and I, and I hope a third, Christ, is in our midst.” Of course, we know he is (cf. Mt 18:20).

Offer Up Sufferings

The lonely might also do well to offer up their sufferings in union with the sufferings of Christ, recalling the words of Hubert Van Zeller, OSB, in “The Mystery of Suffering” (Christian Classics, $12.95): “Theologians and spiritual writers alike are prepared to say that the loneliness of Christ during his passion and death outweighed his physical agonies.”

Some might receive solace by reading the aforementioned St. Thomas More’s insightful book “The Sadness of Christ” (Ivory Falls, $5.95) wherein he dwells at great length on Christ’s agonizing night of prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane (cf. Mt 26:36-56; Mk 14:32-52; Lk 22:39-53; Jn 18:1-12).

While Jesus’ three closest confidants repeatedly slept despite his request for support, another supposed spiritual friend, Judas Iscariot, remained wide awake, executing Jesus’ betrayal. Jesus’ first words to Judas in the garden, knowing his intentions, were, most poignantly, “Friend, do what you have come for” (Mt 26:50). Jesus still called his betrayer “friend.”

Recall, too, that even with both hands nailed upon the cross, Jesus would reach out to and comfort others, promising the good thief paradise and declaring the Blessed Mother the mother of John (and of all the Church).

Alleviating Loneliness

What can priests do to alleviate loneliness among their parishioners, their friends and family members, and perhaps even within their own hearts?

A first step is to become aware and make others aware of the lonely who are indeed all around us. How about a petition at Mass sometimes? Maybe something like this: “May the lonely among us receive solace from God and may God open our eyes and inflame our hearts to reach out to the lonely among us in the spirit of charity.”

Many scriptural and Gospel readings would lend themselves to a homily addressing the great prevalence and needs of the lonely within one’s family and parish as well.

Perhaps the greatest irony of loneliness is that the world is so full of lonely people and that if but one person would reach out to each of them, great relief might be had. Moreover, the same advice we might give to those who would help the lonely applies to the lonely themselves. If every person experiencing loneliness would be on the lookout for other lonely people and made it their mission to reach out and share Christ’s love with them, all of the lonely people would become a lot less lonely.

KEVIN VOST, Psy.D., obtained his doctorate in clinical psychology at Adler University in Chicago with a dissertation and internship at the Southern Illinois School of Medicine’s Alzheimer Center. Dr. Vost has taught psychology at schools including the University of Illinois at Springfield and Aquinas College in Nashville, Tennessee. He is the author of over two dozen books, including “The Catholic Guide to Loneliness: How Science and Faith Can Help Us Understand It, Grow From It, and Conquer It” (Sophia Institute Press, 2017).

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Pope Francis on Loneliness

Speaking at a symposium on the priesthood on Feb. 17, 2022, Pope Francis noted: “Many priests experience the drama of solitude, of loneliness. We can feel undeserving of patience or consideration. Indeed, it can appear that from others we can expect only judgment, not goodness or kindness. Others seem unable to rejoice in the good things happening in our lives, or we ourselves seem unable to rejoice when we see good things happening in the lives of others. This inability to rejoice in the good of others — and I want to emphasize this — is envy, which is very present in our circles; it is an obstacle to the pedagogy of love, not merely a sin to be confessed.”

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