Spending time with young couples who are preparing to be married is a real privilege and a beautiful opportunity. It is no secret that the attendance of young people celebrating the Eucharist is low. It is also no secret that the vast majority of young couples preparing for marriage are living together — but not all, as I recently witnessed the marriage of a couple living in the same condominium building, but on different floors.

In the past, I heard of priests who told cohabitating couples that, for them to be married in the Church, they would have to live apart for some time. Although I have never said that to a couple, I think that marriage preparation is a unique opportunity to talk with young people about the Church’s teachings on sexuality. Too often, people believe that the Church deems sexuality as dirty, bad and sinful. This is a great opportunity to explain the Church’s positive understanding of the beauty and the sanctity of sexuality.

After initial conversations, when we get to know each other and I explain the marriage-preparation process, I meet with the couple for what I call “The Talk.” We discuss what marriage is, what it means that it is a sacrament, and the place of sexuality in marriage.

We talk about marriage being the total giving of oneself, no matter what, forever. I use the analogy of their journey through married life being like a journey in a boat. No one knows the future, but as they are boarding that boat, they promise each other that, no matter what they experience on their journey, they will never leave the boat until they reach their destination.

Similarly, on their journey in married life, they have no idea of their future in areas like health, finances or children, but the commitment they make is to give their whole selves to each other forever, no matter what they may encounter.

We talk about marriage as a sacrament because it reflects Jesus’ total giving of himself to us, and that any sacrament is a sign of God’s presence on our journey.

Traditionally, we have said that the “couple” is the sacrament because they are the sign of Jesus in our midst, and there is nothing we can do to lose Jesus’ love for us. We may not be aware of that love, and we may not appreciate it, but his love for us is not dependent on us, no matter what we say or do. When we imitate someone — maybe the way they laugh or walk — we are making that person present to another person and to ourselves. So also, when we imitate Jesus’ commitment of total self-giving to us, we make Jesus present to ourselves and others.

Commitment of ‘Total Giving’

A couple expresses the commitment of “total giving” in the physical act of intercourse. They physically give their whole selves to each other, and they become one. They take on each other’s flesh as Jesus took on our flesh. They become one with each other as Jesus became one with us. Traditionally, we have called this “consummating the marriage.”

We know that if a couple exchanges vows, takes beautiful pictures and enjoys a nice reception, but does not engage in sexual intercourse, there is no marriage. Put another way, they have committed, but they have not “signed the check.” It is grounds for an annulment. This is how beautiful the sanctity of sexuality is, and the positive light in which the Church views sexuality.

In order to stimulate some thought, reflection and discussion during marriage preperation, I pose some questions:

• I ask the couple if they were in a car accident that night and had to go to the hospital, could one of them give permission for the other one to receive medical care? They consistently answer, “No.” When I ask them why not, they respond, “Because we are not married.”
• I ask them if one of them may enroll in the other’s health insurance. With few exceptions, they consistently answer, “No.” When I ask them why not, they respond, “Because we are not married.”
• I ask them if a politician is elected in November, can he or she make decisions the next day concerning the people they represent? They consistently answer, “No.” When I ask them why not, they respond, “Because the politician has not yet been sworn in.”
• I ask them if a person graduates from law school or medical school, may that person act as a lawyer or a doctor without taking an oath. They consistently answer, “No.” When I ask them why not, they say because the person has not taken the oath. (I mention this also applies to police officers, firefighters and other professionals.)
• I ask them if they are being married in May and I would not be ordained a priest or a deacon until August, would they allow me to witness their marriage? They always answer with a very strong, “No.” I ask why not and they respond, “Because you are not a priest.”

When we discuss these questions, we always return to the one principle: Why may couples act as if they are married if they are not “sworn in” — that is, why may couples physically express the total giving of themselves if they have not actually made the commitment to totally give themselves, even though they have expressed their intentions to make the commitment both publicly and sacramentally?

The typical response is, “I never thought of it that way”; or, “I never heard it explained like that.” I appreciate the opportunity to discuss these teachings and ideals, and the couples also seem to appreciate these discussions, which are always respectful and non-confrontational.

I understand that we live in a world of instant gratification, in a First World country where all our needs are met; consequently, we want for little. We are not used to waiting for something appealing. With that in mind, I ask couples to consider the thought that, if they are sexually active regularly, what is left to express their new relationship once they are married? If they are sexually active, I ask them to consider “abstaining” until they are married to have something to look forward to and more conscientiously “consummate” the sacrament.

I also give them 10 “discussion questions” to continue the conversation on their own. I explain that, unless they want to discuss it with me in the future, I will never ask them about their discussions, including their decisions on sexuality. I have done my part in providing them with the Church’s teachings and ideals. I do, however, encourage all couples — no matter what their living situation might be — to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation before the wedding.

Seeing and Experiencing God’s Love

I usually end our discussion by explaining that we live in a world that drastically needs to see and experience God’s love. I also explain that, just as I am not an ordained priest for myself, they will not be a married couple just for themselves. Rather, they are desperately needed in our world to imitate God’s love and to make God’s presence manifest, reflecting God’s covenant (commitment) with God’s people.

After “The Talk,” they take the Preliminary Marriage Inventory (PMI), and we discuss any statements with which they disagreed or were uncertain. I also ask them to prepare a game plan on what they will do to make sure the marriage survives (see my article “Help Couples Avoid Divorce,” Today’s Parish, April-May 1994). I ask them to dissect the vows they will profess to each other on their wedding day. For example: Why am I taking you? What do I mean by being true to you? What do I mean by honoring you? Hopefully, this enables them to truly reflect upon and understand their vows and simply not repeat the words presented to them at the wedding. Then we discuss the wedding liturgy itself.

I realize there is a tension between the real and the ideal. However, we need to raise and discuss the ideal, while being sensitive to the real. To be honest, I believe “Marriage Preparation Comes Too Late” as I explained in an article with that title in Today’s Parish (November-December 1990).

In the end, after this process (about five to six meetings, often on Zoom, some of which are delicate), they still invite me to the reception. More importantly — and almost without exception — couples preparing for marriage tell me how much they appreciate the process. Several positive ramifications of the process are that we are not strangers on the day of the wedding, and often we are friends in the days, months and sometimes years that follow.

FATHER BILL WATERS, OSA, IS THE FORMER PASTOR OF ST. AUGUSTINE PARISH IN PHILADELPHIA. HE NOW RESIDES IN ST. THOMAS MONASTERY AT VILLANOVA UNIVERSITY.